“A WORLDCON GUIDE: THE CARE AND FEEDING OF ME,” by Nick Mamatas

Mamatas_Nellie_3

“A WORLDCON GUIDE: THE CARE AND FEEDING OF ME,” by Nick Mamatas

As you know, science fiction conventions can be a great place to meet people, and interact with fans and online acquaintances. In recent years, before large cons, folks have taken to blogging about their personal preferences for friendly interactions. Well, it seems like a good idea—so here are mine.

I don’t remember that thing you think I said, did, tweeted, or pointed to three years ago. So don’t bother bringing it up. In fact don’t even fucking talk to me.

Actually, don’t look at me. AVERT YOUR EYES when you see me coming down the hall.

Don’t talk about the elevator in the goddamn elevator, as I’ve said a million times already. How come nobody remembers that one!

I don’t care about your stupid book.

You smell. Yeah, it’s not about how I like to be treated per se, but it’s true. You smell.

Remember when I said don’t talk to me. Don’t try to talk to me by offering me drink or holding up a sign or doing sign language.

Yes I like cookies and snacks but please don’t offer me any because I don’t want to think about your filthy disgusting hands and rank and wormy fingers. I certainly don’t want to sit across from you as you eat a tasteless hotel salad or an inexplicably expensive hamburger. Your horrid mouth makes me want to weld your lips shut forever.

I have a broken toe and am wearing a hard boot. If you’re curious as to how I broke it, well it was when I shoved my foot up the ass of the last person who looked at me, came up to me, and said, “Hey, remember when you made that post about marzipan and Full Communism? Haha, that was funny! How is your dog?”

Don’t you dare give me a goddamn business card or bookmark.

I pronounce the word “corset” like so: cor-say. I do this to annoy you.

What do I think of Texas? I hate Texas. How was my flight—I’m guessing it’ll be shitty.

I can’t hear a word you’re saying, so don’t just repeat yourself with the same words, tone, and volume. What you should do instead is open your mouth wide, take the fire extinguisher from the wall, point the nozzle at your mouth, and squeeze the trigger.

I think Ben Affleck will make about as good a Batman as anybody else. Okay?

DO NOT ATTEMPT TO EXPLAIN WHY YOUR T-SHIRT IS FUNNY.

Don’t filk at me.

Please don’t attempt to show me a racist movie because you think I need a lesson on what racist movies look like.

Now let’s all have a fun Worldcon, fans!

WorldCon-in-San-Antonio

Text © 2013 Nick Mamatas

Worldcon Promo from here

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